Christmas Conspiracies

I believe there are two types of people in the world: those who can tolerate Christmas music, and those who can't. As a person who considers themself a part of the latter, I keep an eye on the Thanksgiving holiday because I saw it as the levee that prevented the barrage of Christmas music. The only saving grace that I have is that 1920s-1940s jazz music is near and dear to my heart and, throughout December, I get a sprinkling of music that swings.

throughout December

But, therein, lies the problem — December. I'm sitting in a coffee shop on November 23rd and my ears are dealing with an onslaught of Have a holly jolly Christmas, each of Mariah Carey's Christmas albums, and every version of O Holy Night possible.

Perhaps, it was living in Japan for a couple of years and seeing how uneventful the holidays are there (just another day with the exception of a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken) that resensitized me to the overwhelming energy America puts into Christmas.

I've come to the conclusion that all of the people who love Christmas have colluded to collectively buy up the major radio stations and grease the palms of all grocery store owners to push their agenda: Christmas music starting before Thanksgiving.

Yes, you heard that correctly. These conspirators are out to repurpose the start of the Thanksgiving holiday with all things Christmas. For now, we all make omissions, "It's so close, so we'll allow it." But, you see, that's not the end game. Next, it's Halloween and eventually, Christmas lights will be ubiquitous. We'll stop chopping down pine trees and begin growing them indoors, giving way for an entirely new industry of year-round indoor pine trees to sprout up.

Merry Christmas.

Happy Thanksgiving.

© Nick Olinger 2022